house in the house

forgive someone today

2010-10-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

Are you holding on to a grudge? Have you been angry with a friend or a loved one and you just can't seem to let it go? You may want to dig a little deeper and try to understand not only why you feel resentful, but also what your part in the situation might be. Sometimes we feel slighted -- anger is a normal and often valid feeling -- but how we react to our feelings is a choice.

Studies show that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. (Campaign for Forgiveness Research) (2006).

Writer and actor Malachy McCourt said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Think about it: are hurt feelings and grudges helping or harming you? What would it be like to release your resentments and free yourself of the pain and suffering you feel (not to mention the time you spend thinking about it)?

Holding on to a grudge may make you feel that you are helping yourself. In some cases, remaining angry can help us fight injustices or take an action we have been wanting to take. Feeling hurt or angry may even serve us by looking at our own past mistakes and asking ourselves, "Have I ever done that before?"

But on the flip side, holding on to a grudge can harm us. It can divorce us from personal responsibility, from looking at our part in a conflict. Resentment allows us to cast ourselves as the victim. We blame other people or situations, and that keeps us separate, so we can preserve our image as the good person who has been wronged. We may even hold on to a grudge believing that it is protecting us from the possibility of failure.

Holding on to a grudge has many detrimental physical effects too, for example:

it drains our energy
it causes anxiety and irritability
it can increase blood pressure
it can cause stomach upset
it creates muscle tension, which leads to headaches, neck aches, and back aches

Take some time today to think about a grudge you have been nursing and consider what it might feel like to release it; to really let it go.

Below are some tips when thinking about letting go of resentment:

1. Acceptance - try to think about life and the bigger picture. There will always be things that seem unfair or wrong. Learn to accept these injustices as a part of life. It's not personal.

2. Utilize the Iceberg Theory by Virginia Satir - anger is the "tip of the iceberg" and if you explore what is underneath the anger, you will always find hurt, sadness and/or fear. When you deal with the emotion that is underneath the anger, you can resolve conflict easier and faster.

3. What is your part? - always look at your part in what happened. It takes two to create a conflict. Did you overreact because of an old hurt or wound? Did you have a need or an expectation that you forgot to communicate?

4. Have compassion for the other person - take some time to consider their intentions and circumstances around what happened.

5. Talk to the other person and work through it together - if the other person is available to discuss it, try talking about what happened. Use "I" statements and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. If this is not possible, just forgive them for your own health and evolution.

Forgiveness furthers physical and mental well-being, it improves relationships and increases self-esteem and is a great reducer of anxiety and depression.

People who are inclined to forgive tend to be more emotionally stable; they are easy-going, less moody, more agreeable, and better able to handle negative emotions and criticism.

Give yourself a gift and forgive someone today!

keeping sex alive

2010-06-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

If your relationship is lacking in the bedroom, you are not alone. In fact, Newsweek reports that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than ten times a year, which experts define as a sexless marriage.

According to a USA Today study, 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. And Psychology Today reports that 25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual.

So, now that you are not feeling so alone, what can you do about it? There is hope! Couples overcome little or no sex every day and you can be one of them, it just takes some effort and willingness to make changes in yourself and in the relationship.

There are myriad factors that can contribute to low-sex and no-sex relationships and it is important to identify and deal with (or rule out) those causes.

Some factors include:

Biological changes
Depression
Children
Lack of energy and/or fatigue
Sleep deprivation
Lack of respect or trust
Jealousy, resentment
Loss of self-esteem

Once contributing factors are identified and tended to - an example might be a thyroid condition that needs medical treatment - then you can look at what is happening interpersonally with your partner.

If your sexual relationship is not living up to your hopes and desires, start asking for what you want. Start by looking within to identify what it is you want. Once your needs are identified you can communicate those needs to your partner. When you communicate, it helps to be specific and to use "I-statements," like "I feel connected when we take the time to look at each other during sex and I'd like more of that." When you speak from the "I" position, it invites conversation rather than starting with "You," which puts your partner on the defense and doesn't leave a lot of room for open communication.

Relationships are about negotiation and compromise and this continues throughout the life of the marriage (even beyond, if you share children or other responsibilities). Make time to negotiate a plan that works for both of you. If you agreed to a plan and it's no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan. Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. Start by talking about the logistics of sex and sexuality for each of you: What time of day do you feel most sexual? How frequently do you naturally feel like having sex? Neither of you is right or wrong, hot or cold. Each of us has a natural sexuality that gets lost in the shuffle of our lives and our relationships. Once you are reintroduced to your sexual selves, negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.

Be careful not to base your relationship on sex or to get your emotional needs met through your sex. We all need love, compassion and caring, and sex can be a reflection of that. It doesn't have to be either/or: there is a time for spooning and a time for sex. Try not to use sex for the wrong reasons or load it up with too much meaning. It shouldn't be a way to validate your partner, it should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for your partner.

Remember, the choices you make have consequences. If you choose to work, go to school and/or have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Look at your own behavior and choices and consider making changes if you want different consequences. Empower yourself to create the kind of sex life you want and deserve; it's up to you and you can do it!

sex addiction: is it real or an excuse?

2010-04-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

The short answer is, “It’s both.”

In light of the recent drama playing out in the media with Tiger Woods’ and Jesse James’ infidelities, it seems as good a time as any to address this issue. Also being discussed is whether or not to include sex addiction as a legitimate disorder in the newly revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V, to be published in 2012).

Everyone is talking about whether sex addiction is a real disorder or just an excuse. In my experience and expertise, sex addiction is as real as any other addiction. However, for some addicts who are not yet ready to get well, it can be used as an excuse to manipulate forgiveness.

In the case of Jesse James and Tiger Woods, their sincerity remains to be seen. Are they really ready to get well? Or are they just using rehab to repair their reputation and their relationships? If it’s for the latter (the wrong reasons to treat an addiction), they will not change.

Let’s start with a couple definitions of addiction (from dictionary.com):

Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.
The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or involved in something.

Based on these definitions, we can plug in any substance or behavior (e.g. food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, pornography). Both Tiger and Jesse were (or are) seemingly “habitually and compulsively” occupied with women and sex. I think we can all agree on that.

The question is how do we distinguish between most men who are preoccupied with sex - which is normal and is caused by the naturally occurring steroid hormone testosterone - and what men chose do with this resulting preoccupation. Especially when they are in a committed, monogamous relationship (assuming that was the agreement both of these men had with their wives).

We can’t fault men for the ways in which they are wired sexually – it’s a complicated convergence of social, political and familial messages combined with biology (read more on the male brain and biology here.).

I’m sure there are many men out there thinking we have this secret understanding of each other; most of us look at porn and at least think about having sex outside our relationships. What’s the big deal?

Believe it or not, that isn’t the big deal. The big deal is living a compartmentalized life. Hiding these parts of oneself and acting in secrecy and lies. That is the true betrayal – to yourself and to your loved ones. And women have a part in it; they need to understand and accept that men are different from them in this way, and not take it personally. The collusion of women not accepting that men are slaves to testosterone, and men pretending they are not occupied with sex, pushes couples into a very bad setup.

My advice is to talk frankly with your partner about who you are as a sexual being. Gone are the old ideas about sex, like “all men cheat” or “women can’t handle men’s sexuality.” We are complicated and multi-layered human beings.

Get out of the shame-based beliefs and accept your sexual self. Then share it with your partner. If it brings up fears or insecurities, talk about it. If you don’t have the tools to effectively and safely communicate, seek out an expert to help you discuss the realities of sex and sexuality. Negotiate your best deal – which includes both of you getting your needs met and making some compromises to create a safe and secure bond.

Not all men cheat. Some are evolved and integrated enough to make the choice not to harm, disrespect or betray themselves or their loved ones. Even if they are faced with ample opportunities for sex, between free porn on the Internet or a woman they meet on the plane.

Some men make a decision that the consequences are too great. That by living a life that includes secrets and lies they are not only hurting someone they love, but are perpetuating their own low self-worth and lack of integrity. Some men want more than that. When all is said and done, choosing not to cheat can be that simple.

If, however, the choice not to cheat doesn’t seem that simple and you cannot stop your behaviors, you may want to seek help with sex and/or porn addiction. If your sexual acts (or acting out) are affecting your self-esteem, your work, your relationships or your ability to feel well with the world - if you are lying or keeping secrets - it is very likely you have a problem.

If you or someone you know is struggling with sex addiction, check out these books and 12-step programs for support:

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick J. Carnes

The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography by Wendy and Larry Maltz

Don’t Call it Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

For a list of 12-step groups for treating sex addiction (and for partners of sex addicts), click here.

pick up the phone already! a mild-mannered rant.

2010-02-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

If I had a nickel for every time someone spent their therapy session on an argument over text messages, or how they recently discovered the guy they are currently engaged to changed his Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated,” I’d be a wealthy woman. People actually pay me to process with them their wild assumptions. And when I ask, “Have you spoken to your friend that seemingly lashed out at you in a text to clarify what she meant?” or “Did you ask your fiancé about the change of status on his Facebook page?” I am often met with a blank stare (or, more accurately, a slow-growing smile as my clients know I prefer old-fashioned communication when it comes to talking with loved ones).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy to help the people who come to see me. And I don’t judge them for utilizing all these fun and easy ways to stay in touch. I just feel frustrated at the state of communication in this day and age of technological deluge and I worry about how we are going to create healthy and lasting relationships in the face of all these impersonal communication options.

In the face of myriad modes of contact – IM’ing and texting and tweeting, oh my - we have gotten crazy lazy. And I fear it will bite us in the butt in the long run.

I admit that I prefer emailing over making a phone call. For me - a multi-tasker who doesn’t particularly enjoy idle chit-chat - an email is quick, to-the-point and I’m on to the next thing. So, I do understand the value of emailing and text-messaging for things like scheduling, a quick bit of information, or a shout-out that one is running late. But, please, if what you need to communicate is anything more than The dog will be ready at the groomers at 5 o’clock, please...for crying out loud…pick up the phone!

I promise you, this is a simple, free piece of advice that will save you so much time and discomfort, and maybe even a few bucks at the therapist’s office. That way, you can get to the bottom of the mysterious change on his Facebook page much quicker and you can utilize your time with your therapist to learn better communication skills to use the next time you actually talk directly to your friend or fiancé.

love addiction

2010-01-06T09:52:00.000-08:00

Many of us have absorbed the belief that if we just meet the right person we will be happy. We feel unsatisfied, restless and lonely unless we are actively seeking the person that will make us feel better, more whole.

Yes, being in a healthy and loving relationship provides many benefits - a greater sense of security, a feeling of connectedness and a way to express our love and gratitude - but our love relationships need to be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

If you find yourself repeating the same patterns: holding on to past relationships, obsessively trying to meet someone new, jumping from relationship to relationship, or trying to make the wrong person fit just to be in a relationship, you may be struggling with love addiction.

Below is a self-test from Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-step program for those trying to find a sense of well-being through dependency on another.

Love Addiction SELF TEST: 40 Questions for Self Diagnosis

The following questions are to be used as guidelines to identifying possible signs of sex and love addiction. They are not intended to provide a sure-fire method of diagnosis, nor can negative answers to these questions provide absolute assurance that the illness is not present. Many sex and love addicts have varying patterns which can result in very different ways of approaching and answering these questions.

1. Have you ever tried to control how much sex to have or how often you would see someone?

2. Do you find yourself unable to stop seeing a specific person even though you know that seeing this person is destructive to you?

3. Do you feel that you don't want anyone to know about your sexual or romantic activities?

4. Do you get "high" from sex and/or romance?

5. Have you had sex at inappropriate times, in inappropriate places, and/or with inappropriate people?

6. Do you make promises to yourself concerning your sexual or romantic behavior that you find you cannot follow?

7. Have you had or do you have sex with someone you don't (didn't) want to have sex with?

8. Do you believe that sex and/or a relationship will make your life bearable?

9. Have you ever felt that you had to have sex?

10. Do you believe that someone can "fix" you?

11. Do you keep a list, written or otherwise, of the number of partners you've had?

12. Do you feel desperation or uneasiness when you are away from your lover or sexual partner?

13. Have you lost count of the number of sexual partners you've had?

14. Do you feel desperate about your need for a lover, sexual fix, or future mate?

15. Have you or do you have sex regardless of the consequences (e.g.. the threat of being caught, the risk of contracting herpes, gonorrhea, AIDS, etc.)?

16. Do you find that you have a pattern of repeating bad relationships?

17. Do you feel that your only (or major) value in a relationship is your ability to perform sexually, or provide an emotional fix?

18. Do you feel that you're not "really alive" unless you are with your sexual / romantic partner?

19. Do you feel entitled to sex?

20. Do you find yourself in a relationship that you cannot leave?

21. Have you ever threatened your financial stability or standing in the community by pursuing a sexual partner?

22. Do you believe that the problems in your "love life" result from continuing to remain with the "wrong" person?

23. Have you ever had a serious relationship threatened or destroyed because of outside sexual activity?

24. Do you feel that life would have no meaning without a love relationship or without sex?

25. Do you find yourself flirting or sexualizing with someone even if you do not mean to?

26. Does your sexual and/or romantic behavior affect your reputation?

27. Do you have sex and/or "relationships" to try to deal with, or escape from life's problems?

28. Do you feel uncomfortable about your masturbation because of the frequency with which you masturbate, the fantasies you engage in, the props you use, and/or the places in which you do it?

29. Do you engage in the practice of voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc. in ways that bring discomfort and pain?

30. Do you find yourself needing greater and greater variety and energy in your sexual or romantic activities just to achieve an "acceptable" level of physical and emotional relief?

31. Do you need to have sex, or "fall in love" in order to feel like a "real man" or a "real woman"?

32. Do you feel that your sexual and romantic behavior is about as rewarding as hijacking a revolving door?

33. Are you unable to concentrate on other areas of your life because of thoughts or feelings you are having about another person or about sex?

34. Do you find yourself obsessing about a specific person or sexual act even though these thoughts bring pain, craving or discomfort?

35. Have you ever wished you could stop or control your sexual and romantic activities for a given period of time?

36. Do you find the pain in your life increasing no matter what you do?

37. Do you feel that you lack dignity and wholeness?

38. Do you feel that your sexual and/or romantic life affects your spiritual life in a negative way?

39. Do you feel that your life is unmanageable because of your excessive dependency needs?

40. Have you ever thought that there might be more you could do with your life if you were not so driven by sexual and romantic pursuits?

If you've answered "yes" to some (or several) of these questions, you may want to seek help for these issues. In addition to SLAA, talk therapy may be a way to overcome challenges with love addiction. Obsessive love addiction is sustained by fantasy, so modifying your thoughts through cognitive therapy can help break the cycle. It's a new year; give yourself your best shot at feeling happy and well with the world through self-acceptance and self-love!

To find an SLAA meeting near you, click here.

coming out: when, how and to whom?

2009-11-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

Coming out of the closet is a very personal decision. When considering whether to come out, it is important to understand that this is a complicated process that continues to present itself throughout your life.

There are three stages to coming out.

The first step is coming out to yourself; accepting your sexuality as a natural and integral part of your identity.

The second stage is coming out to others. Whether to family or friends or co-workers, it’s your responsibility to let them know what you want them to know about you.

The third stage is living openly, which involves coming out every day.

Living openly is the strangest part of coming out. Because we live in a hetero-normative society, strangers generally assume that we are straight. As a result, we are forced to come out on a regular basis – when we check into a hotel room with a boyfriend and the clerk says, “Two beds?,” we are forced to say, “No thank you, we’d like one king bed.” When we visit the doctor and are required to fill out paperwork that asks us about emergency contacts and marital status, or we decide to bring our partner along for moral support, we need to make a decision about how much personal information we want to share.

When we live openly, we make the decision to reveal who we are in ways that straight people never have to consider. It’s an ongoing process that requires a strong sense of self and the willingness to teach those who are less informed, over and over again.

The best time to come out is when you have a clear idea of who you are – whether gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered - and you feel ready to live honestly and openly, every day.

Here are a few things to put into the mix when considering coming out:

How to come out:

The way you come out is up to you - there is no right or wrong way
Your confidence and certainty are important; be clear on the reasons you are coming out
If you feel uncertain or ashamed, people will pick up on that and take cues from you
Being informed and willing to discuss LGBT issues could be helpful
Stay open; invite questions for those who are uninformed
Give people time to sit with the information and come to their own understanding
Find a quiet place; it is not a good time during stressful events, holidays, etc.

Some reasons to come out:

You are tired of hiding who you are
You desire stronger, richer relationships
You want to live authentically
You hope to break down stereotypes

Some benefits of coming out:

To live an open and whole life
To have better relationships
To increase self-esteem
To reduce the stress of hiding who you are
To connect with the larger, LGBT community
To become a role model for others

Some risks of coming out:

Some relationships may change
Not everyone will understand and/or accept you
You may face harassment or discrimination
You may lose family support or get kicked out if you are living at home

What to expect:

Some may feel hurt or angry
Some will feel honored
Some parents will grieve dreams they had for you or blame themselves
Some will worry about what your life will be like
Some will already know

Remember, mixed emotions are normal and you may feel a range of them - from scared to exhilarated to confused to proud to uncertain - and all these feelings are normal. At the end of the day, this is all about love; loving yourself and sharing love with another, and love is never anything to be ashamed of.

For more info: The Human Rights Campaign has an informative coming out resource guide here.

help for sex addiction

2009-09-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Sex addiction among gay men is real. Between the Internet, iPhone apps and crystal meth, our gay male community is overloaded with opportunities for a quick hook-up.

This is not an indoctrination of casual sex among gay men - sexual liberation and exploration are important parts of any sexuality and coming-of-age experience - but a resource for those who believe they have crossed the line and are in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions, high-risk behaviors and ensuing shame and isolation.

Many people don't want to talk about sex addiction, but it is affecting thousands of wonderful men (and women) and there is help. Men that are affected are aware that they aren't living their best lives, yet they don't know how to make lasting changes. Thankfully, for those that want to make changes, there are many resources for our local gay community.

If you are experiencing feelings of disconnection, shame and low self-esteem; if you find yourself involved in dangerous encounters and you are putting your physical and emotional health at risk and you are ready to end this brutal cycle, please consider asking for help.

Remember, there is no shame is asking for help; it's available for you - in the form of a book or 12-step meeting or a caring, non-judgmental therapist - you just have to ask.

For more information check out these books, websites and local resources:

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Robert Weiss

Gay Life on About.com

Gay Male Sex Addiction Screening Test (G-SAST)

Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center's Mental Health Services

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes

Sexual Compulsivity Group Therapy

Sexual Recovery Institute

Sexual Compulsives Anonymous

feeling overwhelmed?

2009-03-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

It seems an appropriate time to write about stress, especially in the face of a challenging and ever-shifting economy. Our stability as individuals, as a nation, and as a world is in constant flux. Assurance of a sound and steady life begins with us. Take a look at your own life to see how you might be contributing to a sense of insecurity and what you might do to contribute to the change we all would like to see in the world.

This blog is especially for you if:

you tend to feel behind in most areas of your life
you have trouble with organization
your mind races throughout the day
your "to-do" list grows, rather than decreases, each day
you generally run late to appointments and commitments

Although small amounts of stress can be motivating, high levels of stress can have the opposite effect. In fact, increasing stress levels can contribute to procrastination, fear, wasting time and energy, a lack of focus, an inability to be present, fatigue, irritability and a compromised immune system.

If the overarching theme in your life is "I just don't have the time" or "My plate is too full" or "I'm exhausted and I can't keep up," it's time to take a look at how you got here.

The first step in getting a handle on feeling overwhelmed is to decipher whether what you are feeling and experiencing is real or imagined. This is not to diminish your feelings, but to encourage you to clarify whether your thoughts are creating your feelings of stress, or if your choices have created an overwhelming life. Either way, you are in charge. And either way, you can make new choices and thoughts to create a healthier, more balanced version of your life.

If you find that you really aren't that busy - or when you sit down to make your "to-do" list, it's really only 3 phone calls and an errand or two - your thoughts may be the underlying cause of your anxiety and stress. For this category of people, you want to look at whether you have an unrealistic idea of what you really need to be doing. Do you have high expectations of yourself? Or is this carried over from a parents or caretakers high expectations of you? How are your time-management skills? This type of individual may also have undiagnosed or untreated depression, anxiety or ADHD. Be sure to rule these out while you are working on managing your feelings of being overwhelmed.

If your life really is overrun with plans and an ever-growing "to-do" list, now is the time to look at why you have created an uncomfortable, busy life for yourself. Is this something you have always done? Was it modeled for you by a parent or caretaker? Might you be avoiding something by staying busy - like an unsatisfying marriage or feelings of low self-esteem? You will want to address the underlying issue that has you filling your life up to the point of feeling engulfed by your commitments.

Once you have ruled out whether it is just your thoughts contributing to your stress and overwhelm, or if you have actually overloaded your life and don't know how to stop, here are some basic tips to get back on track so that you can enjoy life again:

Slow down - try breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, or simply some scheduled quite time alone.
Plan ahead - use a calendar and stick to it. Try not to schedule more that 2-3 things per day.
Make daily lists - it's best to make your list in the evening to ease your mind for a good night's sleep.
Prioritize - this may be the hardest thing for many of you, but also the most rewarding. Is getting the car washed really more important than taking a walk with a loved one?
Ask for help - VERY important, especially for overachievers.
Learn how to say "no" - this is the key to a balanced life. Even if setting a boundary feels harsh at first, people will respect you for it in the long run.
Consider counseling - no matter which type of person you are (whether thoughts are creating your stress or you keep your life so busy you can no longer manage it), therapy is a safe, supportive place to explore how you might be contributing to your unhappiness or frustration and where you can find solutions to decrease stress and increase joy and peace in your life.

Getting to the underlying issue at work in your overwhelming, chaotic life has many benefits. As a result of facing this challenge head-on you will experience greater health, deeper and more meaningful connections with loved ones and you will feel a great sense of peace as a result of living a more balanced, present life. You only get one shot at this life (who is to say what might transpire in another) so why not tap into your unique and inherent value and give yourself a deeply satisfying life this time around? You deserve it.

love and marriage

2008-09-19T10:26:00.000-07:00

Since marriage equality is the discourse of the day - thanks to the Supreme Court Justices for righting a wrong by ruling in favor of equal rights - I thought it an appropriate time to write about relationships between two people of the same gender, and try to dispel some of the myths and misinformation out there.

First, a few statistics to set the stage:

Same-sex couples live in 99.3 percent of all counties nationwide (2000 U.S. Census).
In a national poll in 2006, 80 percent of Catholics said they agree with this statement: "Marriage is about love and commitment. Regardless of how I personally feel about gay people getting married, I don't think it is my place to judge these people's love for and commitment to each other" (Research by Peter D. Hart & Associates).
The federal government could save more than $1 billion a year by allowing same-sex couples to marry (2004 Congressional Budget Office).

It's important to remember that most of the negative stereotypes of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are based on false or inadequate information. Here are some myths and facts to help you sort out what's what (below compiled from the HRC and NOW):

1. It’s a “choice.” Sexual orientation and gender identity are not choices, any more than being left-handed or having brown eyes or being straight are choices. The choice is in deciding whether or not to live your life openly and honestly with yourself and others.

2. It’s a “lifestyle.” It’s sometimes said that GLBT people live a gay “lifestyle.” The problem with that word is that it can trivialize GLBT people and the struggles they face. Being GLBT is no more a lifestyle than being straight — it’s a life, just like anyone else’s.

3. Same-sex relationships don’t last. Same-sex couples can, and do, form lasting, lifelong, committed relationships — just like any other couple. And just like any other couple, sometimes same-sex relationships end. The primary difference is that same-sex couples have few opportunities to marry or enter into civil unions or domestic partnerships.

4. GLBT people can’t have families. According to the 2000 Census, more than 1 million children — probably many more — are being raised by same-sex couples nationwide. The American Psychological Association and other major medical and scientific researchers have stated that children of gay and lesbian parents are as mentally healthy as children raised by straight parents.

5. GLBT people aren’t happy. In 1994, the American Medical Association released a statement saying, “Most of the emotional disturbance experienced by gay men and lesbians around their sexual identity is not based on physiological causes but rather is due more to a sense of alienation in an unaccepting environment.” What that means is that the discrimination and stress that GLBT people face is the root cause of a great deal of pain for many GLBT people. That pain can be alleviated by knowing that there is a vibrant, growing community of GLBT and straight-supportive Americans who know and care about GLBT people and the issues they face.

6. GLBT people can “change” or be “cured.” No scientifically valid evidence exists that shows that people can change their sexual orientation, although some people do repress it. The most reputable medical and psychotherapeutic groups say you should not try to change your sexual orientation as the process can actually be damaging.

All couples, lesbian and gay and heterosexual, deserve the legal protections afforded by marriage. Currently, same-sex couples in committed relationships are likely to pay higher taxes than married couples. They receive no Social Security survivor benefits upon the death of a partner despite paying payroll taxes. They are denied health care, disability, military and other benefits afforded to heterosexual couples. Without a will, they often pay estate taxes when a partner dies, including significant tax penalties when they inherit a 401K pension plan from a partner. They are denied family leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act.

Allowing lesbian and gay couples to get legally married does not threaten or take away rights from married heterosexual couples. Granting LGBT couples the right to marry does not weaken or destroy the marriages of heterosexuals.

Why shouldn't lesbian and gay people get the same protections under the law as heterosexual people? What's wrong with giving lesbian and gay couples in loving, committed relationships the same protections under the law as heterosexual couples? Denying this basic right to gay and lesbian couples is discriminatory and homophobic. Writing discrimination into the constitution, federal or state, is unjust. It singles out a group of people and categorizes them as second-class citizens undeserving of legal and economic protections. Marriage offers dramatic emotional, financial and even health benefits over the single life and cohabitation.

So, let's see...allowing same-sex couples to marry: 1) strengthens the economy (God knows we need that!); 2) extends basic equal rights to all (regardless of who they love); 3) increases self-esteem and provides a sense of stability to families and children; and, 4) generally improves each individual's emotional, physical and financial well-being. Hmmm...seems like a no-brainer to me.

something for couples

2008-06-10T11:10:00.000-07:00

Statistics and Insights on Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages

20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say they have little or no sex drive. — USA Today
25 percent of all Americans (a third of women and a fifth of men) suffer from a condition known as hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), which is defined as a persistent or recurring deficiency or absence of sexual fantasies or thoughts, or a lack of interest in sex or being sexual. — Psychology Today

If you are experiencing intimacy or sex challenges in your relationship, try to identify the causes in order to understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Keep in mind these factors that could be impacting either of you:

Biological changes
Depression
Children
Lack of energy, fatigue
Sleep deprivation
Lack of respect or trust
Jealousy, resentment
Loss of self-esteem

If your sexual relationship is not living up to your desire, try being direct in asking for what you want. Start by looking within to identify your needs, then communicate your needs to your partner. When doing so, be specific.

Relationships are about love and companionship, and also about negotiation and compromise. The nature of relationships are ever-evolving and all aspects of a relationship need to be nurtured and agreements/resolutions need to be revisited. Carve out time and negotiate a plan that works for both of you. If you agreed to a plan and it's no longer working for you, sit down together and negotiate a new plan.
Partners rarely have the same level of sex drive at the same time. By being honest about your needs, you can negotiate for some middle ground that you can both be happy with.
Be mindful not to use sex for the wrong reasons or to load it up with too much meaning. It shouldn't be a way to validate your partner, or to get validation for yourself. It should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other person. We all need love, compassion and caring - and then sex can be a reflection of that - but be careful not to tangle up your emotional needs with your sexual needs.

The choices you make have consequences. For example, if you choose to work, go to school and have a family, you may have very little left to invest in a sexual relationship. Change your behavior and decisions if you want different consequences. Try delegating responsibility if you're too exhausted or over-worked for sex. Try scheduling sex: many resist this idea because they think they need spontaneity, but you'd be surprised at how well it works and how you can still create that desired spark in the moment.
You have the ability to create whatever sex life you desire. Start now and enjoy!

renewal

2008-01-15T11:59:00.000-08:00

It’s a new year and with it usually comes a renewed sense of vigor; a desire for new beginnings. Whether you make resolutions or just reflect on the past and recommit to the present and the future, a new set of twelve months means another chance at improving upon whatever we think needs bettering or expanding.

Since my expertise is in relationships, I thought I’d take this time to offer some tips on improving your romantic relationship. If we are fortunate, we meet someone, fall in love and spend some of the early months or years negotiating the best relationship we can. We think that once this is done, it’s done. We forget that our relationship is a constant work in progress and that, as we grow and change, our relationships need consistent appraisal and shaping.

Life is not static, rather it’s dynamic. Why wouldn’t our relationships be the same? I think we hope that once the initial surge of working out issues is behind us, and we feel relatively happy and calm, that our work is done. This type of thinking can get us into trouble as we progress in our relationships and don’t continue to reevaluate what we need. A friend once said to me that she and her husband view their marriage as an art project and that, as a result, they regularly fine-tune and beautify it.

I’m a firm believer in the art of negotiation. In the early stages of a relationship we negotiate things like: time spent, sex, living arrangements, friends and family time, alone time, children and money. After a few years, many couples stop having these conversations. I propose, in the vein of a job evaluation, we sit down every six months or once a year to re-evaluate original agreements. How are we doing? Are we still happy with our living arrangement? Our money arrangement? Are we still on the same page about kids? What about sex? You get the idea. I think people avoid these conversations for fear that one or both might say “I’m not happy with ________.” The truth is, this is the best thing that could happen to your relationship. It provides an opening for improvement; for each person to redefine their needs and get them met, which results in a deeper, more meaningful and lasting connection.

Below are some tips for better communication when approaching a relationship discussion:

The most important component to any discussion is a commitment to being respectful and a desire to stay open and willing to what your partner presents.
It’s essential for each person to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and to avoid blaming or trying to change one’s partner.
Try not to personalize what your partner is discussing, rather look at it from his or her perspective. It usually has very little, if anything, to do with you.
Manage your instincts to react with extreme emotion, withdraw from a conversation or deny that an issue is present in the relationship.
Remember that you are a team and try to approach any issue as teammates and not as opponents.
Work towards clarifying what you (or your partner) are (is) asking for and how they can help you (or you can help them) accomplish this goal.
Once a new plan is agreed upon and put forth, commit to doing your part. Change doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time and effort, but the benefits are immeasurable: you get to have that relationship you always thought you were supposed to have – one that includes mutual respect, fulfillment of your needs and a deep love and sense of connection.

It’s really up to you to create what you want and what you need. I encourage you to want the best for yourself and for your relationship, and to do what it takes to get it; you will reap the benefits for years to come. And if you find you are both willing to make changes and create a loving, lasting relationship, but are having trouble with the communication part, please don’t be afraid to ask for help from a trained professional. Seeking guidance to improve your circumstances is always an act of self-love and a vote for the relationship, and you deserve to feel complete and happy, every day.

it's beginning to look a lot like _______ (your holiday here).

2007-11-29T11:48:00.000-08:00

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, I hope it's enjoyable for you. Sometimes we forget that we have the right to choose how we "do" the holidays. So often we hear, "Ugh, I hate the holidays," or "I'm so stressed out trying to get everyone presents," or "Oh no, I have to be with my crazy family for 10 days."

As you might know, I am a proponent of personal responsibility and of creating your own experience. If you "hate" the holidays or can't stand being with family, make a change. Celebrate differently; avoid the consumerism of the holidays and focus on connection and love, or stay home and nurture yourself instead of going someplace that feels chaotic or unsafe.

With stress levels high and emotions fragile, I thought it might be a good time to blog about Boundaries. If you do choose to be with family, and relationships are complicated or feel unhealthy, consider setting boundaries so that you feel comfortable while spending time with loved ones.

Here is a short lesson on how to maintain healthy boundaries for optimal family time:

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limits we set to regulate distance and closeness; they protect us and help us take care of ourselves by defining what is safe and acceptable, which is different for each person. Boundaries are not manipulations or a means to control others, yet sometimes we avoid setting them for fear of hurting someone or thinking it might feel like a rejection to a loved one. Another reason we avoid setting boundaries is that some of us aren't sure how to communicate our feelings or needs and fear if we do we might lose a relationship.

Good relationships have good boundaries

When good and clear boundaries are in place, we feel safe, respected and well cared for. When bad and blurry boundaries are in place, we feel disrespected, unsafe and even abused.

How to set boundaries:

When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, respectful and direct.

1. Increase your awareness of where boundaries are unclear.
2. Identify your feelings and what you need before expressing yourself.
3. Make a choice or decision to be assertive, as opposed to aggressive or passive.
4. Express yourself with respect by communicating without blame.
5. Reinforce the boundaries you have set, if needed.

(A word on enforcing/reinforcing boundaries: Initially, people might resist or ignore your requests, which puts the responsibility on you to stand firm once a boundary is set. In addition, if we set a boundary and then don’t stick to it, the message we are sending is that our boundary setting doesn't mean much and that others are welcome to push right through them.)
Setting a boundary might look like this:
Your mother frequently comments on _________ (how much you eat; your body; your appearance) and you feel uncomfortable. You've never said anything about it before and now it's almost unbearable to be around her. You say, "Mom, I feel uncomfortable when you make comments about my appearance. You may not even notice that you do it, but it feels critical and I would appreciate it if you would stop."

Or, this:

Each holiday season you travel a great distance to be with family. It is harder and harder to do and you just don't want to do it this year, yet you feel guilty about letting family down. You might say to your son, "Honey, as much as I love spending time with you and your family, I'm just not up for the trip this year. I love you and will miss you; I hope you understand."

Or, this:

There is an expectation in your family to do everything together, to stay longer than you are comfortable, and to spend every waking moment visiting or being active together. This is not your style and it feels taxing. In this case, you might schedule a shorter trip, build in alone time each day to take a walk or a nap, and opt out of a family outing when you don't feel like going.

I hope these examples help you recognize what boundaries are and how they might be implemented. I wish you a wonderful holiday season full of peace, love, comfort and joy. And remember, if you find yourself dreading this time of year, consider redefining what you want and need to have an enjoyable time - you are worth it!

thoughts on thoughts

2007-10-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween! Speaking of scary things...what about scary thoughts? How many times have we had an outrageous thought like: "If I cry about this, I'll never stop crying" or "My throat feels dry, what if I have throat cancer?" You may laugh out loud when you read this, but we all have irrational thoughts at times.

These thoughts, or distortions of reality, are known as Distorted Styles of Thinking. Cognitive Therapy looks at identifying and changing "distorted" or "unrealistic" ways of thinking, with a goal of influencing emotion and behavior. By learning how to identify and retrain these unhelpful thoughts we can get out of our own way and even improve our relationships, our moods, and ultimately, our lives.

There are 15 Styles of Distorted Thinking; below is a list of the ones that most commonly surface:

Polarized Thinking (also known as Black and White Thinking or All or Nothing Thinking): Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. This is often expressed with the words “right,” “wrong,” “good,” and “bad.” Examples: Feeling or thinking like you have to be perfect or you're bad, or, thoughts like, “We always fight about money.”

Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. Examples: “Why does this always happen to me?” “I made a mistake at work; I’m a failure at everything I do.”

Mind Reading: You know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. You think that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Examples: “Jerry thinks I’m stupid.” “Everyone at this party thinks I’m a loser.” “I know he thinks I’m a bad friend.”

Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's." Examples: “What if I don’t get to the store on time? I’ll go hungry!” or “I’m going to lose my job if I speak up.”

Personalization: This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. Example: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you.

Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own responsibility. Example: “If he hadn’t said that, I wouldn’t have yelled at him.” “She made me drink too much.”

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. Example: People who suffer from this style of thinking frequently use words like “should,” “ought,” and “must.”

Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true—automatically. Example: If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid and boring.

Pay attention to your thoughts and notice how they might be affecting the way you feel about yourself and others. Consider how irrational beliefs or distorted thoughts might be affecting your relationships. Once you notice that you are using Polarized Thinking or Blaming, confront the thought and reframe it with something more realistic. Make a conscious choice to take charge of your mental habits and redirect your focus of attention in a more successful direction. You can do it!

goodness and mercy

2007-09-28T09:24:00.001-07:00

Last month I was asked to speak on the radio with this directive: from your expertise, what is the one piece of advice you would give to our listeners? This was a tall (and, frankly, vague) order. How could I excavate my education, experience and knowledge to cull one salient bit of guidance? My stock advice for better living is a package deal, you know, like: pay attention to your thoughts and how they affect your feelings; learn how to communicate with respect and love; accept all parts of yourself so that you can live with authenticity; set appropriate boundaries for yourself and in relationships in order to get your needs met, etc., etc. So, when I was challenged to come up with just one prescription, I had to dig deep to clarify the core issue each of us must examine to succeed at becoming whole. Then it hit me: how can we rationally address our thoughts and feelings, communicate with maturity and respect, and set good boundaries if we don’t accept ourselves completely? We have to love and believe in ourselves first, so that we feel we are worthy of feeling good, of having healthy relationships, and of getting our needs met.

Now, I know that I am not re-inventing the wheel here. We all know the old cliché – which has been quoted different ways by myriad philosophers and writers – one must love oneself in order to love another. Formulaic as it is, this admonition is powerful. If we don’t accept ourselves completely, we hide who we truly are and, as a result, form false relationships with the people in our lives. How can someone really know us or love us if we are hiding parts of ourselves? We all have a shadow side; we all have experiences and foibles of which we are deeply embarrassed or ashamed. If we can accept ourselves in totality – "the good, the bad, and the ugly" – then not only can we integrate ourselves, but we can also heal from past painful experiences.

Most of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to “get rid of” parts of our nature or our history. We are hard on ourselves with the false belief that it will motivate us to be better when, in fact, being gentle on ourselves reaps much better results. We judge ourselves more harshly than we judge others; we have different expectations for ourselves that are superhuman. The opposite is much more effective: the more accepting and loving you are to yourself, the more you will grow and evolve; the more you will become the best version of you.

In tangible terms, if you find yourself thinking things like: “I hate that I’m so sensitive,” or, “I’m a bad person because I manipulate people to get what I want,” or, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop obsessing on that one thing?” Or, “Why can’t I stop overeating?” Or, “I’m lazy, I can’t accomplish anything,” you are denying – in fact loathing – parts of yourself. The truth is, you are probably “over-sensitive” because the meaning you’ve made out of something someone said or did is out of proportion to the reality, and it may be linked to an old wound from the past. You may manipulate people or situations because, to get your needs met in your family, manipulation was taught and expected. You might get stuck obsessing on something or find that you’re not able to handle your overeating because you are trying to manage anxiety and haven’t learned the tools to self-soothe in a healthy way. And, procrastination does not equal laziness. More often, it has to do with feelings of being overwhelmed or fear of failure, as well as poor time-management and sometimes even an underlying diagnosis, like ADHD.

Once we get to the bottom of these so-called “flaws,” we can learn their origin and begin to have compassion for ourselves. Self-love replaces self-loathing and we find much more time and energy to create value and connection in our lives.

Some benefits of total self-acceptance include:

Better self-esteem and self-value
Positive thoughts replace negative thoughts, which improves depression and anxiety
Living genuinely and with authenticity
Unconditional love of yourself and others
Improved relationships and intimacy
More energy (less spent trying to prove something)
More possibility (if failure is okay)
Getting your needs met

How do we know we have accepted ourselves?

You know what you need at any given moment and feel worthy of having those needs met; you know what your beliefs are
You tell the truth
You are living with integrity (you don’t gossip or cheat)
You accept that you are doing your best (it’s ok to make mistakes)
You love openly and unconditionally
You are living the life you think you should have and are reaching your goals

I hope that you will increase your awareness about the thoughts you think and how they might be affecting your overall health. Think about the parts of yourself you try to deny or hide. Go deeper and try to understand why you are hiding what you are hiding. Ask yourself: When did it start? How did it develop? How did it serve me then? Does it still serve me now? As you start to understand yourself a little better, you will find a gentler, softer voice coming through. Listen to it. Accept it. Love it. Anything is possible and you are good. All of you.

perfectionism

2007-08-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

What is perfect, anyway? The definition of “perfect” is constructed by each of us, guided by our own personal expectations. Those expectations begin to develop in childhood, usually as a result of others’ hopes or aspirations for us – like when parents impress their needs for us to be a certain way – or they may emerge from our own need to express our worth through accomplishments. In some cases, perfectionism may be a cause of something more serious like Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, an eating disorder, or as a result of childhood abuse.

However our concept of being perfect (or doing it perfectly) grows for some of us, when it goes too far it can become burdensome. When perfectionism comes into our lives, our idea of how something should be done is so far beyond human that we become paralyzed and get stuck in ways that can manifest as depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and chronic procrastination, to name only a few.

For those of you whose functioning has been impeded by the irrational belief that you or your environment must be in perfect order; for those of you who have set a personal standard that requires nothing less than perfection at work, at home or in your relationships, this blog is about you. You may be reading this and thinking “that’s too rigid and doesn’t sound like me.”

Here are ways in which perfectionism manifests:

Fear plays a major role in your decisions
You have a fear of success, for fear of failure
Mistakes are not an option (for you and/or for others)
You set impossible goals and measure your worth in terms of productivity and accomplishment
You have a rigid and/or moralistic outlook that doesn’t allow for humanism
You never feel personally good enough, or the job you’ve done isn’t good enough
You have impossible expectations in your relationships with others and are frequently disappointed

If you identify with more than one of the above, you may want to consider what part perfectionistic thinking plays in your life. If you think you might suffer from OCD, have an eating disorder, or have a history of trauma or abuse, I recommend seeking professional help for these issues; they are treatable and counseling can provide a great deal of relief. If, however, the kind of perfectionism that has power in your life comes from low self-esteem or distorted ways of thinking (counseling can also be beneficial in these cases), there are some fairly simple and basic solutions to recovery from perfectionism.

The first step is awareness; awareness that perfectionistic thinking is creating a barrier to your well-being; awareness that your thinking is contributing to your feelings of self-worth and has a direct result on your productivity and successes. The next steps are not linear, but are to be utilized as needed:

Be realistic and flexible – explore what is reasonable for any given task and stay open to other approaches. If you are particularly hard on yourself (as opposed to others), put someone else in your shoes, think about what standard you hold them to and apply that standard to yourself.
Accept yourself – “the good, the bad, the ugly.” I say this lightheartedly. What I mean is that we all have parts of ourselves that we don’t like, hope to hide, or about which we feel shame. The sooner you can accept all of you - by integrating the parts that maybe aren’t so smart or secure or mature - the sooner you can love all of you. The outcome will astonish you: you will know, without a doubt, that you are loveable whether your kitchen sink is spotless, whether you’ve gained a couple of pounds, or whether you make a mistake.
Forgive – Whether you are blaming someone else for your unhappiness or you are unforgiving with yourself, release all that negative energy once and for all. You are responsible to make your life as you want it. Now is the time, and holding resentment against another or beating yourself up for past mistakes only contributes to the very thing you are complaining about. Forgive yourself for not being perfect; no one is.

If you get stuck and can’t seem to incorporate this new information, you may want to look at what you are still gaining from being perfectionistic. Some people hold on to rigid ideals because they believe it is the only thing motivating them to accomplish certain tasks. To that I say: trust yourself enough to know that if you can get the job done, you will. If you can’t, maybe it’s a job for someone else. REMEMBER: we are all perfect in our imperfection. Now go out there and be imperfect!

thinking is feeling is doing

2007-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

We’ve been hearing a lot lately about “The Secret,” a book and DVD about the law of attraction, or the 1950’s version, “The Power of Positive Thinking.” If you’ve read the book or have seen the movie, you may be thinking, “Oh right, all I have to do is envision what I want and it will occur. Sure, I want $100,000 and a body like Angelina Jolie. So, why isn’t it happening?”

You may also be put off (like I was) by “The Secret’s” mystical, esoteric message about the law of attraction. The contributors make it seem, somehow, that you must be into fractals, kinetics and transcendental meditation to succeed with “the law.”

I’m a little more practical than that, and my understanding of this (seemingly new, but not) phenomenon runs more along the lines that Cognitive Therapy’s founders, Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck, proposed. The basic premise of Cognitive Therapy is: what you think has a direct result on what you feel and, subsequently, how you act.

If it is true that we think in ways that create and maintain our negative moods and emotions, it must also be true that we can think in ways that create and maintain our positive moods and emotions. Depression and anxiety are often a direct result of how we think, and our fears and phobias are nothing more than our thoughts.

Imagine having control over your negative thought patterns. Oh wait, you do! This is where the power of positive thinking – or the law of attraction – comes in. Each of us has free will, or personal responsibility, to think about something in any way we choose. What if we chose to reframe a negative thought? Here is an example of different ways to think (and, as a result feel) about the same event:

Incident: A male cashier is rude to me

Thought/Feeling
I’m not worthy/Depression or Low Self-esteem
He’s an idiot/Hostility or Anger
He might overcharge me/Anxiety or Fear
He’s having a bad day/No reaction or Compassion

If you find yourself stuck in destructive thoughts that lead to pessimism; if you are experiencing depression or anxiety or you have too much conflict in your life, your thoughts may be contributing to your experience.

Try this easy formula – A-C-A = Awareness/Choice/Action. By increasing your Awareness about how you are thinking, then making a Choice to confront and change those negative thoughts and, finally, choosing to Act or react in new ways, you can enhance joy and peace in your life.

I’m certain that this is the true law of attraction. Creating a life full of serenity and happiness and making meaningful connections is priceless compared to $100,000 and a body like Angelina Jolie.

I wish you much success and challenge you to start right now: What are you thinking about this new information? If it is “I can’t do this,” try reframing with “This sounds like something I can do.” You are on your way to creating the life you desire.

facing conflict

2007-06-25T11:26:00.001-07:00

Many of us shy away from – if we don’t entirely avoid – conflict. Co-workers and friends, family members, even strangers can frustrate or anger us; they might hurt our feelings. Still we choose to keep it to ourselves for fear of igniting their anger, or perhaps we expect this person to dismiss our experience.

The reality is that conflict is not a bad thing. It allows us to express our needs and to renegotiate a situation that no longer works for us. We can spend incalculable time and energy avoiding the task of addressing personal issues; in fact, the mere thought of meeting a problem head-on, talking to someone about how we feel and what we need can whip us into such an anxious state that the actual confrontation often pales in comparison to the all-out war we imagined.

Most often we avoid conflict for fear of another’s reaction. What if they get angry and yell? What if I hurt their feelings? What if they tell me I’m crazy? These are valid considerations, but remember that you are in charge, and that if you feel unsafe, you can set a clear boundary by saying, “I understand you’re angry – maybe we can talk about this when you feel calmer.” Or, “I’m feeling attacked right now, so I’ll make myself available to discuss this issue when we can do it with respect.” Another reason we tend to sweep our feelings under the rug is that we prefer the status quo; we would rather stew in our own resentment than feel the acute discomfort of discussing it. But that logic is dubious because we’re choosing chronic discomfort over a short period of uneasiness. Ultimately, facing conflict can result in long-term relief.

Some of us lack confidence in expressing ourselves. We believe we aren’t the best communicators, or that we might get overly emotional if we talk about a subject that is charged. Learning good communication skills, like using “I” statements - which means taking responsibility for yourself and avoiding blame - can increase your confidence when you are facing conflict.

Generally, when choosing to address a conflict, keep the following goals in mind:

- Make it a “win-win” situation – go into the discussion with the intention of mutually resolving the issue, where the outcome is that both of you feel that at least some of your needs are met
- Do it at a time when things are relatively calm and quiet and neither of you are highly emotional
- Commit to being open and honest about your needs
- Commit to staying open and respectful of the other person’s needs
- Avoid surrendering just to end the conflict – if you are not making progress and cannot come to a joint solution, agree to end the discussion and meet again in a reasonable amount of time to revisit, with alternative solutions

5 Point Plan to Resolving Conflict

1. Identify the problem – both of you need to share your experience of the problem
2. Brainstorm solutions - explore and evaluate several solutions
3. Agree on solution – come to a mutual agreement that feels fair to both
4. Implement solution – clarify how solution will be executed (who does what)
5. Continue to evaluate solution – revisit and renegotiate solution based on needs

I wish you the best in resolving outstanding issues and believe, wholeheartedly, that you will succeed.